Great American Journal

Absurdity Upon Absurdity

By Alan Burkhart

April 30, 2007

Western culture has been inundated with celebrities who seem to believe the simple fact of their popularity is equivalent to expertise in fields of which they know little, if anything about. And far too often these mental midgets are having a tangible effect upon American culture. Common sense gets tossed out the window in favor of inanity and the media gobbles it up as if it were a fine intellectual delicacy.

Let's examine a recent example of just how nutty things are getting in the good old U. S. of A.

Legislating Toilet Paper...

Sheryl Crow and environmentalist Laurie David recently spent two weeks touring college campuses, speaking out on global warming. Whilst traveling about the country they kept a blog of their daily activities. Here are a couple of excerpts from Sheryl and Laurie, as published by the Washington Post:

"Crow (4/19, Springfield, Tenn.): I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required."

"David (4/20, Charlottesville): Sheryl couldn't be with me tonight because of a previous commitment [Crow traveled to New York for a show that wasn't part of the tour] but luckily rock stars have rock star friends. Tonight, I spoke outside the gorgeous Charlottesville pavilion, in front of a couple of thousand slightly inebriated college men (there to see the wonderful Robert Randolph and the Family Band) who were forced to sit through the opening act . . . me. Truly, it was one of the most challenging 20 minutes of my life. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw guys yawning, I heard kids saying "where's the music?" and I think I heard the "b" word. I rushed through the speech and when I walked off the stage I immediately burst into tears. Not because I took anything personally but because it was so clear how much work is still to be done. Tonight served as a stark reminder that social change is a journey and I learned tonight that not every stop is going to be easy."

Let's first consider Sheryl Crow's remarks. Sheryl said, "I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting."

Limitations? She didn't say, "I think we should voluntarily limit..." or "Why don't we try..." Sheryl Crow evidently believes that legal limits should be placed upon toilet paper use. What do you suppose your "Morning Constitutional" might be like when limited to one square of toilet paper? You'd doubtlessly regret that Cajun goulash you had the night before.

How would we enforce such a limitation? Would all toilet paper rollers include a black box to monitor our usage? Will the bathroom police break down my door and haul me away in chains with my pajamas at half-mast? Let us hope and pray that Sheryl considers the aforementioned goulash as being "pesky."

And just imagine how large that one square would have to be for it to be adequate to the task. I suppose if it were large enough (and if I'm "industrious" enough) it could be made to work. Maybe I should replace the Charmin with a roll of Bounty?

Even more indicative of the agenda behind these two's travels is the comment by Laurie David: "Tonight served as a stark reminder that social change is a journey and I learned tonight that not every stop is going to be easy."

Well gee whiz, I thought Sheryl and Laurie's Excellent Adventure was all about climate change. When did we move on to social change? As I have said in the past (and suffered for it), the whole human-caused global warming scenario is about societal control.

Poor Laurie seems both surprised and disturbed that the folks who came to listen to Robert Randolph grew impatient with her tying up the show for twenty minutes. Perhaps Laurie was unaware that people go to a concert for the music? I don't recall ever going to a concert to listen to someone else's political views. I'm there to be entertained, not indoctrinated.

Even more ridiculous was another post by Sheryl, excerpted below:

"Crow (4/19): I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold."

Friends, I'm not a comedian. I can't make up this stuff. Sheryl proposes that I walk into a nice restaurant and wipe my mouth on my sleeve. And, I should also use that sleeve when I have a sinus attack. Do you suppose that liberals would boycott restaurants that disallow the use of dining sleeves? Will vegan establishments begin issuing a single square of toilet paper at the entrance to the restrooms? Must I learn to sneeze into my armpit instead of a tissue?

Evidently Sheryl hasn't eaten out a lot, which is odd given her busy concert schedule. Were Sheryl an experienced restaurant diner, she'd be aware that many establishments use cloth napkins, rather than paper. Of course, many restaurants also have tablecloths, too. Couldn't I just wipe my kisser on the tablecloth instead of soiling my sleeve?

Hey Sheryl, as long as you're designing all this environmentally friendly clothing, how's about a detachable trouser leg for those "pesky" bathroom visits?

Or better yet Ms. Crow, how's about you stick to making music and leave conservation to those who actually know a little about it?